7 Reasons to Be a Loser

Why Losing is a Good Thing

My brother told me a story about his son’s soccer league. They were 8-year-olds. His team did not win a game all season. They were simply the worst team in the league. At the end of the season, they received a trophy just for being in the league. As they were about to get into the car to leave the complex, my brother told his son to give him the trophy. After he did, my brother told him that he did not deserve this trophy and that he would throw it away when he got home. He explained to his son that when he earns praise, he will receive it. But he would not receive praise for doing nothing to earn it. His son understood and quickly moved on like it never happened. That response was only possible because the son had received praise when it was warranted prior to this conversation. So it was no big deal when dad removed what the son knew he didn’t deserve.

There is now 20 years of research that show that unearned praise is quite harmful to child development. We know that when children receive an award they deserved but learn that everyone received the same award, the value of the award is significantly diminished, if not destroyed. We now know that when children receive an award they did not deserve, they are more likely to suffer from depression as a consequence of the guilt and shame of unearned praise. This is a lose/lose situation.

I have seen many teenagers struggling with the transition into adulthood, whether it’s college or right into the workforce. They arrive thinking they will have immediate impact and will not have to experience adversity. Things come fast for them. Want a date? Swipe right. Hungry? Doordash! Then when adversity happens, they miss a deadline and the boss is furious, or they turn in a paper late and think it’s ok but the professor knocks points off of their grade, they cannot figure it out. They had been celebrated for just existing. What changed? What changed was their parents aren’t there to save them and overprotect them anymore. They must now integrate into the real world. This serves no one.

Two Big Losers:

Lincoln

Lincoln’s losses (in chronological order): Lost his job early in adulthood. Was defeated for legislature. His business failed. His girlfriend died. Defeated for speaker, congress, then rejected for land officer. Defeated for US senate. Lost VP nomination. Defeated again for senate in 1858. In 1860, he becomes the 16^th President of the United States. He then went on to become one of the most influential leaders in the history of the world. He lost, time and again, and was better for it.

Jordan

A young man in North Carolina tries out for his high school basketball team as a sophomore. He is cut from the team. He tries out again the next year and makes the team. Goes on to play at the University of North Carolina. Gets drafted by the Chicago Bulls and goes on to be the greatest basketball player of all time. Michael Jordan has been quoted as saying that he has missed over 300 possible game winning shots. He failed in baseball. But here he stands, the GOAT. His losses motivated him like no one else.

We should all be ok with losing. Losing does something in us that sticks with us. We rarely can remember all of the wins, but we can always remember the losses. Let’s look at benefits from losing.

7 Reasons to Be a Loser:

1. Growth.

   1. Once you lose, you begin to grow. You develop problem solving skills. Anger management skills. You begin seeing the possibilities out there and you become more competent.

2. Emotional Intelligence.

   1. Now that you’ve lost, there are a myriad of emotions you must deal with or they will destroy you. In dealing with them, you learn to become emotionally intelligent, which serves you, your family, and your community in the long run.

3. Resilience.

   1. Now that you’ve lost, grown, and experienced muiliple emotions, you now possess somewhat of an immunity to the devastation of losing. You grow resilient. Inoculation over isolation. You now know what it’s like. It didn’t kill you before, it won’t kill you now. You become stronger overnight.

4. Motivation.

   1. Now that you’ve gained some resilience in th face of adversity, you become movitated to overcome. Staying where you were is not an option. Losing again is off the table. You perfect your skills, making you more attractive to the job market and more beneficial to your community. This is where Jordan spent his time, allowing his losses to fuel him for the next game. He worked and worked until…

5. Success.

   1. Once the motivation kicks in, it almost certainly leads to success. This was the case for Jordan. And although it did not happen quickly, it eventually led to Lincoln’s success. It is hard to find someone who genuinely believes that Jordan and Lincoln weren’t two of the most successful people on the planet.

6. Progress > Perfection.

   1. Now your expectations are more realistic. You realize you won’t achieve perfection. But you can achieve progress. Becoming a better version of you today than you were yesterday is all anyone can ever ask for. The progress comes through failure.

7. Identity.

   1. Now that you’ve experienced all that, you realize that failure is an event, not a person. You may have failed at something, but you aren’t a failure. That’s very different. With this realization, you can rest in the fact that you will try your best, win some, lose some, and never stop moving forward.

Here’s the thing, if all we ever do is coast through life winning, or at least not losing, we enter the real world completely unprepared for the adversity we are sure to face. In this context, losing isn’t only not a bad thing, it’s a good thing to lose. Parents, let your kids lose. Let them taste the “Agony of defeat.” Let them get their feelings hurt because they didn’t get a trophy. Though it is tough to see them struggle, it is a very beneficial long term strategy.

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger