Calling All Counselors: You're Not Helping
Lifetime Consequences from Temporary Solutions
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Ok, not all. But many. When someone comes into my office declaring they are a superhero, an airplane, a kitty cat, or a microwave, I have an option. Validate and affirm or find a way to build enough trust that redirection will be accepted.
I tend to use Motivational Interviewing (MI) in this instance. I’ll just let them talk. I won’t challenge. I’ll just reflect. I realize that challenge is part of MI, but I don’t employ that style. When I’m ready to challenge, I move to something more reframing, like CBT.
Why did I just tell you that? Because it’s ok to let them talk and say things that you know are false. It’s ok to let them get it out, the falsehoods, lies, ideological regurgitation that they’ve believed for so long. And somewhere in there, because you listened with unconditional positive regard, they begin to trust you. It is ok to listen to all of that as long as it doesn’t end there. This is where many counselors stumble.
Many counselors are so interested in making sure the client feels good, feels seen, and feels heard, they lack the capacity to confront the obvious reasons for the current misery and why they are in the counselor’s office in the first place. Just make them feel better. Unfortunately, this is like putting a band-aid on a severed hand. It doesn’t work. It only provides an illusion of efficacy for the time being.
Why would someone only care about how they feel right now and not how they will feel a year from now? Two reasons.
Fear. They fear confrontation that may lead to some form of discomfort. They fear the backlash. The retort. The challenge. They are afraid this might be the thing that sends them over the edge. Unfortunately, if providing them truth that will lead to sustained peace sends them over the edge, they were most of the way there before you ever met them.
Finances. They can get the client to come back for years. Again, if they get well, the counselor is going to Costco. If the client comes back over and over for years, the counselor is going to Cabo.
The Recent School Shooting
The recent shooting, most know about by now, involved another individual that identified as trans. And because the moment the mainstream media found this out, and squashed almost every story about this, we are left to find info on this event from secondary sources.
Information like:
The weapons were legally obtained
Westman was obsessed with mass shootings
Westman wrote much of his manifesto in Russian (ask yourself why?)
Westman wrote in his journals that he “wished I wasn’t brainwashed.” He expressed regret for being trans. And that he wanted to cut his hair but recognized that if he did, it would signal defeat.
He purposely targeted a Christian school
Westman’s inner turmoil signaled a deeper problem. But it is an increasing problem. Identity. He did not know his true identity. And whether he saw a therapist or not, the issue at hand is relatively simple.
Parents: Pass your values on to your children. Don’t abdicate this to their limited experiential thinking. What you deem optional your children will deem unnecessary.
Counselors: Move from unconditional positive regard to the challenge phase. Do not let a boy/man leave thinking he is a woman because you affirmed it and let it end there. Someone must tell him the truth. The truth that society has created misguided rhetoric as to what defines masculinity. That there are feminine men and masculine women, but they are still men and women. That fighting nature is a losing battle. That we aren’t born in the wrong body, we just need to learn how to manage our emotions.
When girls enter puberty, their sense of vulnerability heightens. They become acutely aware of what could happen to them, while the boy beside them shoots up to 5’9”, faster, stronger, untouchable. She feels fear, worry, self-consciousness, and eventually confusion. A therapist affirms the confusion, hands her the choice of treatment, and a double mastectomy soon follows. Then comes desistance, followed by regret and anger at the haunting realization that no one told her the truth. In the rush to validate her feelings in the moment, no one considered the weight of a lifetime.
My fear is that until we stand up to ideological idiocy with truth, love, and facts, we will continue to see more of this.
Call to Action
It takes a village. Parents have a duty to raise their children. When they abdicate that role, the school should teach, not indoctrinate. Counselors must stop confusing affirmation with therapy, as if validation were a cure. And society must stop crucifying truth on the altar of a fleeting emotional high. The cost of coddling feelings today is broken lives tomorrow, or in Minnesota’s case, this week.
Stay Classy GP!
Grainger
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This is astute and perfect.
I can't help rereading this part and editing it as "They become acutely aware of what could happen to them... She feels fear, worry, self-consciousness, and eventually confusion. A [second or third party] affirms the confusion, hands her the choice ... Then comes ... regret and anger at the haunting realization that no one told her the truth. In the rush to validate her feelings in the moment, no one considered the weight of a lifetime."
Because it applies so much to girls and young women with abortion, too. The lying and affirming confusion and delusion for the benefit of a political narrative and the lining of pockets has been going on for a long, long time, and it is no accident that Planned Parenthood has immediately jumped to this newer form of long-term life disassembly and destruction.
Thank you for this. Counsellors will only help if they embrace curiosity and courage, alongside compassion.