Single Awareness Day
Why Being You and Working on You Are Both Good
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This is for my single friends out there.
When I was single I celebrated the hatred of Valentine’s Day. Literally got with other miserable young men and drank to the hatred of Valentine’s Day. I’m still not excited about the marketing pressure to make purchases you shouldn’t in order to meet cultural norms. It’s worse in dating than marriage. But still awful.
Here are some things I wish I knew when I was younger.
Why Do You Get Married?
If you marry because you love them, you’ll divorce them because you don’t love them. Love cannot and will not be a sustaining factor in marriage. It must be commitment. Commitment when it’s hard, messy, gross, frustrating, and truly no fun.
The work gets you through the tough times and makes the good times better than they have ever been.
Note: For Christians, you must marry someone solely because you believe God put this person in your path on purpose. What God put together let no man separate.
Marital Problems
Martial problems are rarely marital problems. They’re almost always singleness problems that never got dealt with.
Deal with you. Make you better. A partner won’t transform you. They will just exacerbate what’s already there. So put yourself in the strongest position possible before expecting success. Your relationship will never be successful if either of you are still broken.
Single Is a Whole Number
You aren’t a fraction of a person when you’re single. You aren’t second rate. Inferior. Missing out on life. You’re single. Some choose to stay single their whole lives. Some don’t. But if you’re someone who wishes you weren’t single, it’s ok. You won’t be forever. Just for now. If you rush, it will be a mistake.
What You Emit, You Attract
I had a daughter that at age 13 was posting sports bra pictures on Instagram. I sat her down and asked her what type of guy will like that post. She thought about it, and with honesty, said, “Boys that only care about one thing.” Yup.
“What kind of boy would respond to a post where you have a cute outfit on holding a cup of coffee and a Bible?” She said, “The marrying kind.” Yup.
The presentation you deliver into the world will equal the response you receive. If you give thot vibes, you will get thots in your DMs. If you give classy vibes, you’ll get classy in your DMs. Work on your presentation. And be the person you want.
Familiarity
There was a study done at Yale involving 3-month-old to 7-month-old babies. The experiment involved three phases: Good vs bad, same vs different, the first two combined.
Infant Morality
In the experiment, they performed a puppet show for the babies. A gray bunny was trying to open a box but was struggling. Along came an orange bunny and helped him finish opening the box. Next, while the gray bunny was trying to open the box, a blue bunny came along and abruptly shut the box door so the gray bunny couldn’t open it. They then presented the two bunnies for the infant to choose. Over 70% of the time they chose the good bunny.
Taste Buds Rule
Next, they presented two types of food. Cheerios and Golden Grahams. The baby selected. Then the green bunny chose the same food they chose, while the purple bunny chose the other food and saying they didn’t like the food the baby chose. Again, they were tasked to choose a bunny. Over 70% chose the bunny who chose the same food.
A Fork in the Road
Lastly, they took the green and purple bunny and placed them in the first scenario. The green bunny who chose the same food as the baby was the bad bunny (no, not the Super Bowl guy) who slammed the box down. The purple bunny who chose a different food was the good bunny. They were at a crossroads. Do they choose the good bunny who chose a different food or the bad bunny who chose the same food? The majority chose the bad bunny who chose the same food. Familiarity took priority over morality.
Be intentional in choosing the right person, not the familiar person. This explains why people choose abusive partners. I had a client in my office last week. First session. She tells me her ex-husband was abusive and she just broke up with an abusive man. I asked her how often her dad abused her. She just started sobbing. She had yet to mention her dad. She didn’t have to. She found what was familiar.
It’s why people go back to spouses that abuse them. It’s familiar. And I get why. New is scary. It’s unchartered territory. It’s unknown. It’s just much easier to go back to what we already know, even if what we know is not good for us. This is why we must surround ourselves with the right people who will support us in this transition out of what’s familiar and into what’s best.
DO NOT settle for familiar. In fact, don’t settle at all. You’re worth more. See your value the same way you value others.
Lastly, when you do find a partner, don’t make Valentine’s Day such a big deal. It’s just another way retailers found to market our emotions. I treat my wife like she’s a queen every single day of our lives. Therefore, when Valentine’s Day gets here, it’s just another day.
Stay Classy GP!
Grainger
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I was a single person longer than most before meeting and marrying my spouse.
When my spouse and I were dating, I decided that I was not going to tell them I loved them until I knew that I was willing to stick with them no matter what - even if they were in a wheelchair or whatever. The kind of love that is a fierce, deep, abiding commitment.
And that is exactly the kind of love that sustained our marriage through a difficult last five years following a chronic health diagnosis. The condition really changed our family life and the activities that we could do together. It triggered the surfacing of complex trauma symptoms for me - the safe place I had found following a chaotic upbringing was under threat.
Things at home became difficult; but we both knew that neither one of us was going anywhere. *That* was never a question.
As for believing that God brought us together - yes, absolutely. You could not find another couple who was so thoroughly convinced - and could recite you the evidence - that God brought us together. That was a great source of hope and perseverance during the last five years when things felt turned upside down in many ways.
I am printing this article for our adolescent kiddo to read.