The E.N.D.
Gray Divorce is On The Rise
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Recently an article came out speaking of the growing number of “gray” divorces (over age 50). Professor of sociology, Susan Brown, PhD., suggested some reasons why this might be happening.
Susan Brown PhD Reasons for Gray Divorce
Title IX: With more options for women, they don’t’ feel obligated to stay in failing marriages anymore. This is true. If, at one time, women felt stuck, primarily economically, they no longer have to feel this way with the unlimited options they now have.
2nd Time’s Not a Charm: If you’ve been divorced once, you can do it again. This is also true. You’ve survived the original fear of getting divorced. Now you know you could do it again if you had to.
Grow Apart: This one may be the laziest of them all. Of course you grow apart, if you aren’t intentional. People ebb and flow, they morph and grow over time.
I am not the exact same person today as I was the day I got married. But my wife and I are intentional. We are both 2nd marriages. For me, I call it my last marriage. Why? I don’t want to even entertain the idea of a backdoor, a plan B. If the option is off the table, I feel compelled to work on my marriage when things get tough.
But is it really that serious? Is it really that rampant? How many people is this actually happening to? Glad you asked (ok, I know you didn’t ask, work with me here). In 2015, for every 1,000 married persons ages 50+, 10 divorced, which is up from 5 in 1990, according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics and U.S. Census Bureau. Among those ages 65+, the divorce rate has nearly tripled since 1990, reaching 6 people per 1,000 married persons in 2015. With the surge in divorces for those 50+, the empty nest puts couples at higher risk for divorce than ever before. So yes, as Ron Burgundy would say, it’s kind of a big deal.
I’m much more concerned with how we got here and how to prevent more from happening. So…
My Ideas Concerning Gray Divorces
Values. We don’t pass them on. Anything you deem optional, your children will deem unnecessary. More parents are letting their children just figure out who they are without instilling values into them. Breaking news: It’s not working.
Communication. 70% of couples divorce because of communication.1 A big part of the problem is the refusal to attempt to communicate or even understand the communication style of their partner. If you want your marriage to work, you must learn to understand and attempt their communication style.
Focus on Children. This is where I’ll spend the rest of the time. Because I see this as much as communication.
Misguided Focus
The last kid is moved into college and the parents are back at home. The very next thing that happens is the husband and wife look at each other as if they’re looking at a stranger. The husband says, “who are you and how did you get into my house?” The wife says, “I was just about to ask you the same thing.” Slowly they begin to realize they’ve been married for 25 years and end up divorced because they don’t know their spouse anymore. I call these “Empty Nest Divorces” (E.N.D.).
I used to get these calls all the time in the insurance business. The wife calls to tell me that we need to split her and her husband into separate policies because they are going through a divorce. The situation is almost predictable. They are in their mid to late 40’s to mid 50’s and their youngest kid went off to college. I’m telling you that I got that call more than once a month. And now, as a counselor, I’m still getting these calls. How can this be? How can that many people be divorcing after that many years?
Unfortunately the answer is quite simple. They put so much time, effort, and importance on their children that they never took time to cultivate their own relationship. As a result, they look up at each other and don’t even recognize the person they’re married to. They forgot that all relationships require time and effort, even their marital relationship.
It’s not something you can just take for granted. Because if you do, you’ll be calling your insurance agent asking to separate the policies and your therapist to help you navigate depression. You’ll be trying to explain to your grown children why thanksgivings will never be like they were. Then they begin wrestling with misplaced guilt, believing that had they stayed home, had they not grown into themselves, perhaps the family would have remained intact. In truth, it was never their burden to carry. The real tragedy is that the parents forgot that nurturing their partnership was not an indulgence, but the very foundation upon which the family’s sense of safety and belonging was built. Believe me, just because they’re older and wiser doesn’t exclude them from the internal belief that divorce is their fault. It happens to all children, no matter the age.
What To Do About It
So how do we eliminate Empty Nest Divorces? It’s not easy, but here are two key steps.
1. Date Night
First, date nights must be priority. Once every 2 weeks is ideal. Once a week is too hard to accomplish and once a month may not be enough. This is top level priority. You don’t cancel, you don’t “come back to it.” You go. Go somewhere. Don’t spend money if you don’t want to. But go. Make sandwhiches and go to the park. But get out of the house and spend quality time together, with NO children around.
2. Keep Them 3rd
Having said that, the most important thing you can do to avoid an empty nest divorce is to keep your children Third in your life. Your life must reflect God’s design for living. In God’s design, you should have no gods before Him. Also in His design, what He put together, let NO man (mankind) separate. This includes your children. So based on that, your first relationship priority is your relationship with God, your upward aim, your ineffable telos. Your second relationship priority is your relationship with your spouse. That means that your relationship with your children comes after.
Children are entrusted to us for a time, not to replace the central bond of marriage. Their purpose is to be nurtured and prepared to launch into their own lives, to “Leave mother and father and cling to each other.” Not to become the foundation of ours. When children are elevated above the marriage, the partner who once felt familiar can begin to feel like a stranger. Growth then happens in parallel rather than together, leading to distance instead of intimacy. Relationships, like children, require cultivation and care. To grow together is to preserve the bond that sustains both the marriage and the family.
So for those that have a chance to reverse this trend, please work on it. Your children will thank you; your spouse will thank you. Date your spouse. Don’t neglect that. Keep your children third. Then, when that last kid gets moved into college, you can look at each other and say, “now we can REALLY have some fun!” Life only gets better as you grow closer to your spouse. Work to intentionally put an end to The E.N.D.
Stay Classy GP!
Grainger
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Related Articles:
Williamson, H. C., Bradbury, T. N., Nguyen, T. P., & Karney, B. R. (2016). Are Problems that Contribute to Divorce Present at the Start of Marriage, or Do They Emerge Over Time?. Journal of social and personal relationships, 33(8), 1120–1134. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407515617705