Am I Enough?

How Connection and Commission Answer the Question

This is a piece concerning religious aspects of agency. I realize that many of my readers do not have similar beliefs. This is not intended to isolate you but rather speak to such beliefs, and how to navigate a real existential crisis we all find ourselves in at one point or another during our lifetime. I will say, even if you do not employ religious beliefs, an upward aim, an ineffable telos, is a good practice for anyone. It’s one way to help remove the pressure to be perfect.

Are we enough? How do we know?

I know that when I’m eating pizza, I’m not aware of when I’ve had enough. I just keep eating and eating. But usually around 2AM, my body tells me I had too much. Really inconvenient time to tell me this. So why do I eat to the point of hurting and not even realize it? Because I haven’t defined the number of slices I can have without hurting.

As a counselor, when I talk to people about their issues, what I’ve found is their problems are typically not defined. We sit. I listen. They talk about the issues they encounter and how it makes them feel. But after a while, I realize they still haven’t identified a problem. Just the results of the problem. That’s usually my job. To help them identify the problem. They often don’t seem to be able to get there on their own.

It looks like this:

(C)lient: I just can’t seem to get out of bed. I’m sad about everything. I really don’t want to do anything. My girlfriend broke up with me and I haven’t desired to do anything since.

(M)e: Tell me more about your everyday life

C: Normal stuff, play video games with my friends. Hang out at the frisbee golf park. My friends all seem happy. I can’t imagine what that’s like. Being happy.

M: Do you all work together?

C: Oh I don’t work. Can’t seem to get the desire to do anything, including work.

M: How do you pay bills?

C: I barely have any. Live with mom.

M: I think we’ve identified the source of your depression. You’re not productive. You were designed to be productive. When you’re not, chemicals that you need are being withheld.

C: Wow! I didn’t know that.

Not kidding. This is about how many of them go. They just didn’t know. They’ve never been told. They didn’t know how to identify the problem. Once the issue is identified, they move forward and life changes.

—But what about you? Do you find yourself feeling like you’re not enough?

My Wife’s Story

I have been given permission by my wife to share this. She grew up in a home that was unpredictable on a good day. Parents were divorced. Father was an angry alcoholic. Mother worked around the clock to keep the lights on. Often during her childhood, my wife wasn’t sure where the next meal was coming from, if they were getting evicted this week, or if something more sinister would completely rattle their routine. She was told by her father on a very regular basis, “You’ll never be anything. You’re too stupid.” She turned to drugs, pills, alcohol, and friends to numb this painful rhetoric coming from her father.

Fast forward. She’s currently a mother (or bonus mother) to 8 kids, not including those that consider her their mentor, she runs 3 businesses, she’s been celebrated for her achievements by various local news outlets, companies she’s helped, and county governments that recognize her contributions to the overall well-being of teenagers. Her children are all successful. She is very loved. In fact, the only reason I have friends is because people like her so much. So they put up with me. But recently she felt like she still wasn’t enough. I quickly recognized that this was because a daughter naturally longs for her father’s acceptance. No one else will substitute. Her father was never going to be that guy. This got me thinking. What is enough?

Objective Standards of Enough

As I talked through it, I found that there should be a definitive, objective standard for what is considered enough in life. As a Christian, I found it. Connection and Commission. I have two tasks in life:

1. Connection: Have a relationship with God, through Jesus and

2. Commission: Take as many people to heaven with me as possible- mostly through the way I live.

I firmly believe that if I am accomplishing these two goals, or aiming at them, I. Am Enough.

Here's how I know. The guy on the middle cross said so. The thief basically says, “Don’t forget me when you leave.” Jesus tells him they will be together. God says that when we accept Him, we become heirs to His blessings. Not through what we did. But through what He did. And that’s the key. We are enough, because He is enough.

If we were left to our own accomplishments, we would be doomed. Through every move forward toward the ineffable aim, the indescribable telos, our dopaminergic system gives us a pat on the back to keep going. And with every step forward, we allow God to remove one more thing about us that doesn’t look like Him, allowing room for something to become a part of us that does look like Him.

As I spit out all of these truth-bombs, my wife stated that she still didn’t feel like she was enough. But she felt better. That’s because she now heard undeniable truth but had yet to identify and define exactly what would make her feel like she was enough. Now that she knows she is enough because God (in her) is enough, she can identify what, on earth, will make her feel like she is now enough. It must be reasonable and attainable. But this will cure the empty feeling.

If you are not yet at a place where you have identified what would be enough, sit down and figure it out. Because you can’t change what you don’t define. Now, earlier, I identified pizza as the best meal on earth, and right now I can smell it in the kitchen. So I’m out. Hopefully I won’t eat too much this time! Who am I kidding? Of course I’m going to eat too much. Because I haven’t defined what too much is yet!

Stay Classy GP!

Grainger